


Aftermath

by Dimension_K166



Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Gen, Leon/Raihan - Freeform, M/M, Other, Raihan/Leon - Freeform, Sonia (Pokemon) - Freeform, Sorry bois, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, a lot of suicide mention, but nothing too graphic, but only briefly, but there is some fluff, forgot to add there's some suicidal thoughts in this, just very angsty and serious topics, low-key mentions of rape, raihan is trying to learn how to heal from such a traumatic event, so hold onto your hats people, suicide prep, suicide preparation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:48:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21824671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dimension_K166/pseuds/Dimension_K166
Summary: It's been months since something so horrible happened to Raihan, during all this time he locked himself away in his apartment. Never opening the door every time Leon found himself pounding on it in worry of Raihan's mental health...
Relationships: Dande | Leon/Raihan | Kibana, Dande/Kibana, Kibana | Raihan/Leon | Dande, Leon/Raihan
Comments: 21
Kudos: 148





	1. Cluttered

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cipherine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cipherine/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Fairy Lock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21796921) by [cipherine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cipherine/pseuds/cipherine). 



> THIS FIC IS A SEQUEL TO HERS! IF YOU WANNA KNOW THIS FIC'S BACKSTORY GO READ HER LOVELY FIC FIRST!

Hail went on and off throughout the night, filling the cobblestone streets with ice only to melt soon after impact on the ground. The storm was as if an orchestra or a grand play. Wind sung to lead the storyline as beads of frozen water followed suit, hitting windows to apartment complexes to add onto the continuous sonata. Raihan used to wince at every droplet that hit his window, but over time the sound just grew dull to his ears, like a catchy song he couldn’t be bothered to comprehend any longer. 

Much like the weather, he’s been bawling at different times of the day and with the sound of his sobs and sniffles it told a story. Rubbing his eyes, the man laid out upon his couch, sprawled out uncomfortably to cover every inch of the furniture while eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling. His phone has been blowing up with overwhelming, worrying messages for the past months that followed and all Raihan could do was to set his phone to Sleep.

Of course, from doing so, it warranted many unannounced visitors pounding at his door, Leon being the most common of the few. Raihan didn’t have the strength to open the door to him, he’d find himself always crying in his room as he heard Leon call his name and kick at his door. Raihan felt like a pathetic, abused animal that can’t even show face upon adoption in fear of rejection whenever Leon was at his door. His fingernails always dug into the sides of his face unintentionally every time Leon called his name, and Raihan would wait for the man to walk away down the hall like he’d always do, eventually. 

After all's quieted down, Raihan would occasionally peak out into the hallway. Finding gifts and food that sprawled out around his doorstep. There’d be letters he’d never open strung out in the mass pile of things but he always tossed them aside into a massive mail pile by the door inside. Despite his mental decline, he could never bring himself to throwing away something Leon has given him. 

Raihan closed his eyes to focus on something else for a change; the smooth leather of the couch against his body, the sound of hail sprinkling the glass of his lone living room window, and now the low sound of his rotom phone vibrating in the next room. Raihan’s eyes shot open, instantly sitting up to run to it.

“I thought I turned you OFF-“

His hand clasped around the device, angrily motivated until he paused for a second. The call was coming in from Leon outta all people. Raihan threw his phone to the other side of the room with a pitched grunt only to have it float back to him, Rotom’s face looked absolutely concerned as those blue eyes stared back at Raihan.

“What. Just get away from me-“

Rotom did no such thing. After all this time the pokemon always obeyed Raihan’s every tisk and task. This time, Rotom was done taking orders. The device then rushed into Raihan’s face as in protest, the screen shining brightly into his eyes with the words  _ “Calling back: Leon...” _

Raihan panicked, trying to catch his phone to end it until Leon answered almost immediately. Raihan stopped dead in his tracks, eyes watering and sweat dripping down his brow as he heard Leon’s voice. 

Usually sounding soft and sweet, Leon sounded near to panic but finally relieved, “Rai-! Raihan!.....Raihan...?.....Hey, I’m glad you got back to me. I’ve been... Thinking! About you! And I- I’ve been dropping food at your place! I hope you don’t mind, I see it's always disappeared every time I visit... Thank you for calling, I wanna just... talk, ok?.........please...”

Raihan felt tears roll down his cheeks, holding back any sort of sound he could make as the phone floated above him on speaker but outta reach. He tried jumping to grab at it again but to no avail, causing his feet to slam down hard against the wooden flooring. 

“Raihan?..... I hope you’re... ok...just please talk to me-!.....I know what you're going through and I want to be there with you” Leon then swallowed hard it was even audible on call, “Please..... I miss you Rai.....”

“GggrrrrrrraaaAAAHHHH-!”, Raihan let out such a frustrated cry as he grabbed whatever he can off the ground and hurl it up at his phone. He was sobbing by now, loud enough for the phone to pick up. And if it can’t get any worse, Rotom decided to switch it to video chat.

Leon’s face was full of worry, brows furrowed so deeply and eyes red from recent sobs. Seeing how broken Raihan was and how the phone’s camera stared down at the man it made Leon step back mentally. Raihan wasn't ready to talk to him.

Leon softly swallowed, “Raihan.....I’m sorry I had to call you..... I’m sorry it was me that saw..... I wish it never happened in the first place, I wish- I wish I was a better friend-“

Leon tried to keep it together, just for Raihan, but he couldn’t. He started sobbing softly outta frame before speaking once more, “I’m sorry I fucking left you there- I’m such a piece of shit- This is all my fault and I’m here acting like I’m the victim- I’m so fucking sorry-!”

Raihan’s head tilted back, watery eyes staring up at his phone’s screen. He couldn’t see clearly from all the tears but Leon’s sobs were all he needed to understand what was going on, “Lee..... don’t blame... yourself.....please-“

Leon shakily took a few breaths, staring down back at Raihan through the screen, “..... How am I not supposed to-? I was the fucking designated driver-“

“Because I don’t blame you-!”

The edges of Raihan’s lips started to quiver as he spoke up again but this time shakily, “It’s all my fault! M- my fault! I could never blame you for what happened to me! Not in a million years, Leon!.....I did this to myself..... and you deserve someone... de- deserve to spend your time with someone else, not me-!”

Fists formed at Raihan’s sides, his face finally whipping to the side in order to face away from the camera, “...So it's best to... move on. Don’t call again.”

And with that Raihan walked steadily outta the room, slamming the door in order for rotom to not follow in pursuit. He could hear Leon’s muffled voice through the closed door along with rotom’s tries to mess around with the door handle but like how every time Leon bangs on his apartment door, only with time silence comes creeping back again after defeat.

His whole body planted itself back into his leather couch, practically becoming so used to the uncomfortable position despite being too big to lay upon it. Closing his eyes he could hear the hail stop briefly before the sound of soft rain tapped upon the window. He could now finally rest.

  
  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  
  
  


Raihan tossed and turned, waking up with a jolt as he face planted into the hardwood floor after falling from the couch. He groaned from such a horrible awakening as he flopped onto his back, blinking multiple times at the ceiling. Light poured through the crevices of his blinds that decorated the walls and floor of his apartment. Making even the most dull of Milo’s figurines glisten in the sunlight. Raihan usually wonders why he still owns them, the guy wasn't the best glass blower.

It took a while to get the man off the floor, 30 minutes? An hour? Two? Time wasn’t so easy to tell without a phone. Taking some time Raihan realized it was more silent than the night before, no sound of rain to be heard and no pounding on both doors either. For once Raihan questioned it, but soon let it go as he got back onto his feet. He started wobbling a bit before gaining full balance. Malnourishment and lack of sleep were to blame as Raihan sat back onto the couch, this time not laying upon it in an awkward way. Hands on his cheeks and elbows resting against his thighs, his piercing eyes started back at his reflection in the TV. Not knowing what to do today, tomorrow, the next...

Raihan groaned and slapped his cheeks a bit, wanting to clear any thoughts he had of the future. By now he didn’t care what the future held for him, he wasn’t looking forward to it. Without being perfect for Leon, himself was nothing he considered worth much. Picking up the notepad from his coffee table, he started anew. Already jotting down on an empty page.

It was routine for Raihan, always adding onto his will almost every morning he’d wake up because that’s when he’s most clever. He wanted to make sure everything had a place to go, even Milo’s weird sculptures Raihan’s been gifted every birthday that rolled around. He couldn’t bare feeling like something was left out, especially when he’ll be.....

Raihan paused a moment, then scribbling some lettering before putting the pad down back onto the coffee table. Staring into the nothingness of his room, his eyes started tearing up but only to shut tightly as if he was forcing himself to be still. Soon enough his emotions faded away and his eyes opened to reveal a heartless man. He then stretched his arms and fingers before writing again in his little book.

_...and please pack up all glass blown objects located on the living room table, left of the front door, to Grass Gym Leader Milo Yarrow... _

Raihan sighs, running his fingers through his loose dreads. He then pondered a moment, thinking of anything else to add to his notebook, even if it was a small grammar fix or change in the Will before darting his eyes to look up at a mysterious sound. Behind the blinds was a small shadow, moving in a way it was recognizable to be some sort of pokemon. Raihan scrunches up his nose and turns back to his notepad to ignore it, but it's persistent pecking at the glass brought the man to his feet. With a swift yank at the cord the blinds opened fully to show a rather spooked Rookidee with a small basket it held onto with it’s little feet. From what Raihan could see it held an open note over a small cloth that covered the rather curious goods inside.

The small Pokemon made eye contact with him, still pecking at the glass until Raihan roughly opened the window to bat his hand at it, “Beat it will you-!”

His eyes followed as the little thing soared down toward the ground, perching itself upon a trainer’s shoulder but wait, she looks familiar. Raihan leaned a bit through the window to get a better look, seeing it was Sonia. She stared back up worriedly, similar expression he’s seen Leon have in the most recent video call. Raihan pulls himself back into his apartment, face turned away from her but then he froze a moment. He leaned forward once again, eyes meeting hers 7 stories away and he knew she wouldn’t be able to see what he’s about to do but he does it anyways. Mouthing the words “Thank you” he then gave a little wave before retreating into his room with the small basket at hand.

After dropping the basket onto the couch and going back to close up the blinds, he turns back to sit next to it the curious thing. Eyes looking down upon it as he saw in large lettering “RAIHAN” written on the open note. He winces but decides to read it anyway, coming from Sonia he’s more comfortable reading such material. 

_ RAIHAN _

_ I know you’ve heard enough “I’m sorry”s to make you gag, so we wanted you to have this lil gift package instead and to wish you a wonderful weekend! Stay golden dragon boy. _

_ Love, _

_ Nessa & Sonia  _ **_and Leon_ **

It seemed that Leon added his own signature last second for it was absolutely written barbarically compared to Nessa’s fine handwriting. And for once, Raihan got a giggle outta it. But of course it was short lived.

Throwing the note to the side, his fingers wrapped around the small cloth that covered the hidden goodies. Revealing them to be something he’d honestly expect.

From a first glance he was just absolutely bored with food but on the next glance he realized something that stood out from all the delicious looking scones and muffins. There in the corner was a collapsed pokeball,  _ a love ball outta all sorts. _

His hand took to it, wrapping his fingers around to examine it thoroughly. His eyes darted all over it, noticing a small engraved “For Raihan” at the top. He narrowed his eyes, letting the ball grow in size, he sent whatever was in it out into his living room.

As the red glow dissipated he was rather confused for a second until he heard a soft shrill and the sound of something rolling around on the wooden floor. Raihan quickly got onto his hands and knees to look under the coffee table, the creature rolled right past him in a green flash and under his trusty leather couch. Raihan stared into the darkness annoyed.  _ Leave it to Leon to get him such an annoying rascal.  _

Coming to his senses he tried to coax the creature out to no avail and then eventually reaching his hand into the unknown outta frustration. Raihan then jumped back with a cry, his finger bitten by something so small only a droplet of blood could be seen. Raihan got to his feet and growled, “Fucking thing- fucking pokemon- fucking Leon and his- his- his helping-!”

Raihan then sat upon the leather of his couch, hands on his cheeks and elbows against his thighs once more. His eyes started growing blurry with tears outta pure frustration and mental exhaustion, he couldn’t believe he’s crying over a dumb pokemon. Yelling out of anger, the man picked up the closest thing to him and threw it against the wall adjacent to him. With a loud _ thwack! _ muffins and scones littered the floor and that just made Raihan wanna cry even more. At this point he just let himself go, sobbing pathetically into his hands as his finger still bled steadily against his forehead.

The creature beneath his couch calmed down as it realized how broken the man was, shyly rolling out from the darkness and in between Raihan’s feet. Large eyes poked out of a sweet, crisp green body as it looked up at the man outta curiosity and worry. 

Raihan couldn’t pry his eyes away from it, mouth agape as he started down at the pokemon.  _ It was an Applin, but not just any Applin. _ From its greenish hue that was void of all red, it was safe to say it was a shiny. 

**_Did Leon really use all his hard earned cash. On this._ **

Raihan’s tears kept streaming down his cheeks as he softly cupped his hands together to let the creature hop upon them as if to be lifted up to the man’s eye level. Raihan held the creature close to his face, but enough to not be bitten on the nose like his poor finger. He was absolutely speechless, he didn’t know what to think, to feel. He didn’t even think he had it in him go care care of such a creature, not all by himself in this day and age. Raihan couldn’t even feed himself, but... the look in this creature’s eyes gave him newfound hope deep within his soul.  _ Maybe this is what he needed? _

“I’ll call you..... Greenie.”


	2. Timeline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raihan's month to month decent into madness. Nothing gets better when you don't get help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry this is a bit late! It was somewhat hard to write, look at the note at the end if you're curious. I hope you enjoy! <3

**6 months ago.**

Rain pitter patters against the cobblestone streets, the scent of rain-soaked oak plaguing the morning air within the city of Hammerlocke. The sunrise had yet to peak over the snow capped mountains of Galar, the city streets were lit proudly by golden lamps rather than the oncoming gleam of sunshine. An oversized, black SUV with heavily tinted windows creeped down into an alleyway only to come to a halt reaching a dead end. It was only six in the morning at this point, early Autumn being to blame for such a late sunrise. 

Two well built men and a much younger boy exited the vehicle, walking around it to the trunk. With the boy leading the group, his eyes transfixed on the trunk’s handle, opening it to unveil a rather beaten, exposed young man. Turning to face the two men, the boy’s smirk became infectious, all three sharing the same expression.

_ “Take out the trash.” _

Two pairs of large hands gripped onto the motionless body, yanking him out of the trunk for him to drop face first down into the cobblestone. Blood drained from the corners of the man’s lips, likely the fall resulted in a broken tooth or two. The two men continued, taking ahold of his wrists once more to drag him outta the way of the road as if removing roadkill. The leading boy rummaged through the back seat to grab the beaten man’s belongings, walking over to carelessly drop all of it onto the stone next to his busted up face.

The broken man began to stir at the sound of the engine coming back to life, his sunken eyes partially open to watch the car recklessly speed out of the alleyway and disappear down the road. He then closed them back up after feeling rain running down around his eyes and nostrils, the feeling stung at his wounds but feeling the bitter cold stung much worse. Shakily slow his hand reached out to his damp dragon jacket, crawling backwards to rest his shoulders against the dry wall of the building. He started to dress himself, taking his time in trying to avoid multiple injuries that covered the dark skin of his arms. His head was still too foggy to fully grasp his physical state as last night’s events circled his mind like a waking nightmare. 

Biting his bloodied lower lip he let out a weakened sob, putting his head in his hands as he continued to let everything out all at once. Blood continued to trickle down his face from the corners of his lips, he could feel the inside of his mouth wasn’t quite right and he pulled away to spit thick globs of blood out next to where he sat. He continued to stare down at such a mess, watching the rain wash away any red that lingered on the white chunks of broken teeth.

Eyes shifting to look down at his feet, Raihan could feel his whole body shaking gradually worse, the rain and blood loss to blame for the drastic drop in body temperature. He then shifted his position severely, trying to give standing a go as a pokeball accidentally tumbled outta the jacket pocket and onto the wet stone below. The Ultra ball rolled down the small stream of water until finally getting stuck on a set of protruding cobblestones. Raihan’s eyes followed it, lacking the strength to retrieve the object so he left it to fend for itself. But to his surprise, it was able to. 

The pokeball sprung open, a flash of red turning into the silhouette of a Flygon. The creature stepped into the lamplight, reptilian eyes spellbound to it’s master. With a twitch of it’s nose and the smell of blood, fear ran cold through the creature while it approached Raihan. Tenderly wrapping it’s claws around him, intending to give the man a warm hug. Raihan laid against his trusty Pokemon, allowing his tears to stain against it’s smooth scales. Both stayed in that same position, feeling like it was forever but really it lasted a mere few minutes. Pulling away, he turned to lean down to gather the rest of his items with such little strength he had left. Flygon’s claws quickly held onto his belly in order for him to not fall if it were to happen.

After securing his wallet and other various items that mattered to him, leaving behind Bede’s number written on a napkin on purpose, Raihan then spoke up raspily to Flygon while shutting his eyes to keep back tears.

  
  


“...Take us home..... please...”

  
  
  


**5 months ago.**

Raihan‘s been relying on 4 hours of sleep per week now. It was to the point his vision would bubble and warp when staring too long at something, getting lost in dark thoughts. He’d always shut them tightly when it grew too bizarre, he felt like he was staring down into a kaleidoscope and he was too mentally gone to worry about it’s consequences.  _ It would all be over soon anyways _ he’d always tell himself, never fully thinking what that would imply. He’d leave those thoughts for later, he’s just certain on one thing and that he didn’t have long to live.  _ Besides, we all die eventually? _

What came next was something Raihan didn’t look forward to, the occasional dark figure standing perfectly still in his side vision. In the beginning Rai would always jump, _it was_ _definitely new and something to get used to_ he’d always tell to himself. Raihan would comfort himself which such phrases every time it happened, reminding himself that such horrors when awake were a thousand times better than when asleep. Resting his eyes always meant reliving what happened. Rai would always jolt awake to then stuff his face into the nearest trash can. Another meal wasted, numbed hunger becoming the norm.

How did he get like this? He always wondered but never dawned on the idea. He always felt it was justified by his own suffering. Raihan felt like nothing mattered at this point, shrugging after every meal time of the day passed by.  _ Guess I missed lunch. Guess I missed dinner. _ Those thoughts would pass by his consciousness and right back out the door, Rai ignoring every last one of them, ignoring such responsibility. He didn’t feel like it was worth his while when he’d lose his meal every time he woke from slumber anyways.  _ A mere waste of his time and money. _

With time that passed by, he grew numb. His heart felt such weight wrap around itself, comparing it to a slow falling balloon in a dark, empty room. Even his mind was blank, thoughts and pictures that moved through his train of thought grew more foggy and simpler. He felt like possibly everything he remembered would eventually grew to nothing if he kept it up, his stomach being the first to remain empty and next his mind. All he ever wanted was to get lost, run away from what lit up in his nightmares, run away from even his own life. He kept telling himself he should be more than thankful it was the league’s off season, even at the thought of leaving his apartment made him retch into his familiar trash can. And with that, his eyes were strictly transfixed on the flashing images of his TV. Passing time.

On most nights his apartment was empty, void of all noise except for the occasional text notification that rung out of his Rotom Phone in the next room. After that dreadful night a month ago Leon’s been calling him over and over again, been at his door maybe a dozen times, pounded on the wood and walls maybe even a hundred times. Raihan could never even  _ imagine _ getting near that door, let alone open it. It would always start with Leon’s soft voice calling his name through the cracks, Raihan holding up in his bathroom retching into the toilet over and over again until he’s dry. He’d continue to gag up nothing left within him, curled into a ball with tears staining his cheeks and eyes red staring at his own knees.  _ Please just leave me alone, Leon….. Please just leave me be... _

  
  
  


**4 months ago.**

Raihan periodically starts sobbing every time the feeling of sleep washes over him, like a snake weighing around his shoulders waiting to strike. Rai fights it like an ongoing war, his tactics including binge eating sugary treats and downing energy drinks as if he hasn’t drank in days. And of course it never ends well. Always leading to Rai sprinting into his bathroom to throw his head into a toilet, forcing the poisons out. Without nutrition, Raihan’s body didn’t go far whenever he abused it.

It was a Thursday evening, or was it Friday? Raihan’s grown to never go outta his way to pay attention to time. His eyelashes fluttered, trying to pay attention to the screen of his tv, but they felt too heavy to handle. Sleep felt so necessary, though adrenalin kept him awake. But, like all things, it only lasts so long. It's been 2 months so far on this strategy, 24/7 every week. Raihan’s eyes finally shut for the first time in months, pitch blackness filling the void of his consciousness as colors started to dance. Bringing life to the dark stage of his mind. The dream started off well, in first person with his gaze drunkenly blurred looking right at Leon’s face. Leon’s perfect features beamed back at Raihan, smiling bright as Rai had the time of his life. Then Rai’s eyes shifted, drunken stare aimed at a handsome boy perched up on a bar stool with eyes so sharp they felt like a knife slowly going down Rai’s heart. And that's when time stopped. 

Before anything could happen next, Raihan’s eyes shot open. And before you can say bob’s your uncle, the man’s face met the trash can he’s grown to love. Next came the trembles, pulling away from the can Rai rested his back against the leather of the couch. Then the tears, the madness, the self hate. Imperfectly cut, jagged nails dug into the sides of his face as he sobbed like never before. Blood started to bead from where his nails dug into, tears rolling down his cheeks until there were no more. Dehydration has come to its peak. Something Raihan didn’t expect to happen next was to cry himself to black out again, and thankfully for him, it was as if blinking lasted 12 hours. 

  
  
  


**3 months ago.**

Raihan spent his first time outside of his apartment since 3 months ago, but only for one thing and one thing only. 

Sleeping pills.

  
  


With his hood up and scarf around his neck, Raihan was bunded enough to mask somewhat of his identity. He knew his height would obviously be a huge giveaway but dressing this way made him feel comfortable enough to be out in public. As if he was anonymous amongst the many. He started walking down the streets of Hammerlocke, his destination being an hour before closing. It was pitch black outside, clouds preventing the moon from beaming down upon the land. Street lamps led his way to his local drug store, he could already see it’s Open sign shining neon in the distance. 

Raihan hurriedly stepped through the doors, the ringing of a bell sounding off as he eyes his targeted isle. A young man leaning against the countertop behind the register never broke his gaze on Raihan, he guessed it was shoplifting protocol because the store wasn’t in the best side of town. Rai tried not to look his way, he hated even feeling eyes on him for he looked absolutely terrible and not Mistergram-perfect. Despite being mentally not there, Rai was still very aware of his image to the outside world. He looked like something so pathetic and he prayed to Arceus no one would recognize him. 

Raihan read almost every label, looking for the strongest pills money can buy over the counter. Stopping in his tracks as he found what he’s needed for months. 

_ Mother’s brand of Sleep Power pills, extracted from Oddishes! Humanely! _

Rai’s face lit up like never before since those months ago, he felt like a kid in a candy store as he grabbed at multiple boxes. He was in a better mood for now, even picking out his favorite candies as he stumbled to the cashier. He made sure to not make full eye contact, turning his face to the side and pretend he's looking at other things to buy. But of course it's all a sham.

“Cash or card, Sir?”, the teen asked after ringing all of the items in front of him.

Rai did not respond, just held up his card high before inserting it into the chip reader. A few seconds pass before the Rotom powered register beeped back at him to retrieve his card. That thing always made the most annoying sound.

Raihan gathered his things into his pockets as he then froze at the teen’s words, “How’s off-season been for you, Raihan? Training anything new for 2020? I promise not to tell!”

Raihan started to shake, trying to keep it together, “Haven’t decided yet- take care-!”

And with that he booked it, all his paid items in his hands that were tucked in his pockets. And with that Rai promised himself to never go out again.

  
  
  


**2 months ago.**

Raihan adopted something new to do, it’s been hard to pass time ever since he made a promise to never step foot outside again. He tried to get into a routine, every night around 7pm he’d take his sleeping pills to only fall asleep around 8 and wake up the next day around noon. Once awake he’s to open up his notebook, think of an item to write down where it will end up in his Will, then set the notebook back down until another he thinks of another item. He’d spend most of his day repeating such a cycle. He wanted to make sure every item had a place to go, he’d hate for everything go go to waste, be thrown out, more garbage to fill the land fills. Raihan just wanted to do a good turn to the universe, even after his death.  _ No regrets _ he’d always tell himself.

Today he told himself he’ll focus on his clothing closet, jackets to be exact. He would spend hours documenting every single one he owned, writing them in his notebook with either a name of a question mark next to it. He was certain on homes for every jacket so far, all except one: his signature dragon hoodie he donned during League season.

He wanted someone special to have it in his Will, but he was stuck on multiple people. His brother? Maybe. His father? Pass. Leon? …

He sighed deeply, writing the word  _ Leon _ next to the dragon jacket’s listing. Leon was the perfect person to take it, he’d treat it with the same care as Raihan would. And well, Rai felt Leon deserved something special from him after….. after death.

_ Leon wouldn’t miss an impure, tainted slut would he? _ He always told himself.

  
  
  


**1 month ago.**

Raihan finally started to eat what Leon always left at his doorstep. The painful feeling of hunger came back all due to his thin physique, barely any fat on him to feed his starvation. Raihan somewhat missed the numb feeling in his stomach, but Leon’s gifts of cookies and chicken noodle soup felt even better. Despite all the gifts given, Rai has yet to see Leon. Face to face that is.

He started to take glances at his phone recently, scrolling through Mistergram, running into a few photos Leon took of himself in certain circumstances. He looked so happy. Perfect.

That only made Raihan more certain on his choice to take his own life. He saw Leon was able to go on without him for all these months, what can the rest of eternity hurt, huh? He felt so calm, so settled on his choice. Now it's time to finish everything he wanted to do, needed to do.

He added to his daily routine: Watch a new movie every A day, binge watch a show every B day. Only start watching after adding at least one item to his Will. 

He had yet to plan on how he will take his life, but he always told himself he’ll cross that bridge when he gets to it. He wants to feel complete before deciding anything, but Raihan felt that crawling up on him already. He was certain to complete everything within a few months and if not, that's ok, too. Just as long as Rai feels complete, no regrets, nothing forgotten, everything has its place, alls perfect.

Raihan looked forward to that day.

  
  
  


**1 week ago.**

Today was the day Leon gave him a shiny Applin. Yes shiny. In a Love Ball. Perfect in everyway.

Raihan was caught off guard by it, thinking Leon has since moved on from such… feelings for Raihan. He knew Leon missed him, but this much to express it through an Applin? 

Rai was starting to have second thoughts,  _ will Leon care if I passed? Would he get over me? But I’m a fucking slut, there’s no way Leon would take me in. He leaves gifts at my door because he feels like it's the right thing to do for anyone in need. He won’t love me after all of this. After I was… _

Back again Rai felt certain. He was going to do it. Just not yet. He still has to watch 3 more shows, 12 more movies. He was very motivated now, he was so close to reaching his goal. Every item in his ownership now has a new owner in his Will, nothing to throw out, nothing to be forgotten…

Raihan then realizes there's one more thing that needs a name next to it in his Will: The Applin.

Was it that simple to choose someone? Raihan always wondered. He started writing Leon’s name but paused. He wouldn’t want Leon to feel like he didn't love him, returning the Applin to him would ruin the man.  _ Wouldn't make for a good goodbye _ he would always tell himself, erasing in his lil notebook. 

This was quite the pickle, but with time Raihan will find it an owner, a perfect owner for it. Who would love it as much as he does, to care for it better than he can.

Raihan just has to think.

  
  
  


**Yesterday.**

Writing in his notebook, he finally finished his Will. The last item, his Applin, to go to his own brother, Fafnir. It was the best goodbye he could ever give his older brother, a traveling depressed shell of man Fafnir was who had a taste for exotic dragon type pokemon. Raihan let out a long sigh of relief. The weight around his heart felt lesser as he finally achieved what he’s been working hard on for 6 months: Raihan finally feels complete.

Next was endgame and Raihan smiled, looking forward to it,  _ it has to be grand _ he always told himself.  _ Has to be meaningful, special, the best way for this world. Easy clean up for who is to find me.  _

  
He tore an empty page of his notebook, laying it on the hardcover for him to write on it. Listing ideas, ways, and even places to lay himself to rest. This was to take a while but Raihan was on no time schedule.  _ Only time and make something perfect _ he always told himself.  _ Only time will tell. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so you are curious, huh? Well, this fic to me is me sharing parts of my own story(some are real, some are fiction). It's been 4 years since I've suffered sexual assault and social isolation/starvation/suicidal thoughts in my old apartment. Today I'm happier, have a stable relationship, and a stable job. I used to be at the lowest of my low, expected to pass away in that apartment, but here I am. I've learned so much in life and I just wanna say anything can get better. Even when it is at it's worst <3
> 
> -Queenie


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